downandout.

You have just fallen from the tenth floor to the ground fall. It hurts so much you can't even regconize yourself, can't even feel anything anymore. You have just failed. Sounds so direct but yet so indirect.

Direct in the sense that, fact is, you failed. Indirect as in the way people react after hearing your failure and their own results. You hear insensitive comments ringing beside your ear. You hear sarcastic comments echoing from the back of your mind. You clench your fist and try to get away with a smile, a fake smile. It helps to disguise your emotions and feelings to get away with it, to let them leave you alone, to deceive and coax yourself that's its alright. You see people's jubilant faces, cheering, having every damn right to savour every moment of it. You're just trying to hide your disappointment.

Life is unfair.
And nobody cares whether you can spin a pen, play a guitar or play soccer. But somebody do care when you fail to achieve something, so that you can be the laughing stock, the clown, the loser. Its embarrassing and shameful, but what to do? Nobody cares about a failure.

Instead of supposed words of encouragement, you get shit and crap comments like "Did you work hard?" or "Try harder next time". Does it help? I'm afraid it is a "no". People usually care for the better ones, as they have more potential than others. They'll fret when the better ones flop. They will think and assume that you lack practice and teach you something new, new and day by day they will forget about your problem. Once you get kicked in the back and whacked so hard, you'll be condemned and chances are, that trying to stand up from that horrible experience is going to take time and courage.

Your parents, bound to suffer too. Imagine people's mum compare results and found out your son did badly for something. Imagine the kind of feeling your parents are subjected to. So disgraceful, yet impossible to escape from. What done is done. And your pride is broken so much, that it acts like a wound, hidden so deep below the skin that will never show, and hurts like hell when you commit the same mistake again.

To fail the second time, I'm so damn sure it tastes bitter. And yes, I'm jealous of others. To fail by such a fucking small margin is just like rubbing salt on your wound.

I had enough. I'm quiting my pitiful life of trying to be nice, trying to be the one who is willing to listen to every damn comment you make. Its about time to take off that mask and get myself a new life. For the better, perhaps.

I do hope it was a dream.