Circular motion

is getting me nowhere.

My legs gave out.
My heart caved in.

So fucking tired.

蟬想

Madama Butterfly.

我好像一只風箏，有人拉著扯著放著，才能飛得高，飛得遠。線斷了，我就飛不起來了，不知道會飄到哪裡，也不知道想不想要有人把我撿起來。
＊＊＊

我討厭我的倔強
我討厭我的天真
我討厭我的固執
我討厭我的執著
我討厭我的信念
我討厭我的愚蠢
我討厭我的期望
我討厭我的孩子氣

我想要變成一只蝴蝶，蝴蝶代表蛻變。
現在生活混亂，茫然，不知所措。
我想要變成一只風箏，飛走了再也回不來。
無奈，就放棄吧。

尋找，尋找，尋找，
找到了嗎？
尋找方向，頻率，鼓勵，未來？

我喜歡現在的我
我懷念曾經的我
我討厭失望的我

我已無能為力了。

E(X) and Var(X)

My favourite scene from (500)

and

H is for ...

Fuck you.

白日出沒的月球

***
It seems that lately I found out more about myself - I am such an inherently flawed person that I don't even comprehend myself sometimes. I find myself contradictory and repugnant.

Most of the time, I don't even know what I want. Maybe I used to know, but not anymore. I somehow hid it somewhere back in my mind that I can't even recall what it is anymore. I used to like computers alot but I was told there's no future in it. Therefore I didn't take computing as an A Level subject. I was so close into taking up computing. And now I'm stuck with subjects that I have no sustainable interest in.

My wants have already transformed into other people's wants. I no longer have my own mind. I can't have my own life until I fulfill certain expectations. That's just sad right?

I suppose I don't ever disappoint myself. In fact, the notion that I have disappointed certain people in my life surfaces immediately when I know I screwed up big time. Then it will lead to me being disappointed not because I disappoint myself, but because I have disappointed other people. Do I not put myself before others?

What a mess I've become.

***
'Scars have the strange power to remind us that our past is real.'
Cormac McCarthy, All The Pretty Horses.

one last bit of sanity

***
'I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?'
- Ernest Hemingway.

Let the chips fall where they may be.

***
I'm in a self destructive mood lately.
and I'm feeling so empty.

Are you still there?

silly;

Budget deficit but happiness index maxed out.

Well, that works for me.

Before I pull the trigger,

I have always wanted to experience the feeling of getting hit by a car. Sometimes I feel like running into an incoming car and see what happens afterwards.

I keep wondering and wondering, but how much more wondering will it ever become real?


I won't say I didn't see this coming and I did know it was gonna happen anyway.

I am so disappointed with myself, I thought it would never ever happen again.
Definitely not in the right state of mind to write my TAG application form.
***
'Such a man is like a dreamer who wakes from a dream of grief to a greater sorrow yet. All that he loves is now become a torment to him. The pin has been pulled from the axis of the universe. Whatever one takes one's eye from threatens to flee away. Such a man is lost to us. He moves and speaks. But he is himself less than the merest shadow among all that he beholds. There is no picture of him possible. The smallest mark upon the page exaggerates his presence.'

firework

this guy is gonna save my life lol.