Monday, February 28, 2011

deconstruction;

I actually wanted to write all this down on a book, but I don't have the book with me right now. So I guess I'll just make do with this blank space which I'm sure only a few people read. The problem with this blank space is that everytime I click on it to type, I lose my train of thought and most of the stuff that I initially wanted to say went poof. Gone.

I'll try my best...

I hate to be alone. When I'm alone, my mind starts to wander. And wondering too much is bad, just like what happened to Alice in the Wonderland. You find out scary stuff that you don't really wanna know. It is just that right now, I guess I'm experiencing what people call an 'identity crisis'. Weird, I have never really confronted this problem since the day I gain consciousness of 'I am a person living in this huge world'. And while typing this, I realised my thoughts are very disjointed and disorganised. So, to hell with grammar and spelling and punctuations, I don't really care about them now. I'm just typing away.

Am I always like that? I get tired so easily nowadays. When I leave school, I always get the feeling that I left something behind. Something that was part of me. Like as if every single day I go to school, a little part of me is dying inside and it is not going to be regenerated or grow back. It just dies away.

And another problem I have identified is that I don't answer the question. People ask me a question and I reply them with something totally unrelated. Am I beating around the bush or am I just avoiding the question/problem? My GP tutor told me that I am not answering the question (essay question to be specific), even my cousin tells me that my reply was totally not answering the question. Have I always been like that? If GP is the tenet of organised and logical thinking, then I'm sure I will fail GP.

I think I could be borderline autistic and insane. I might need to get tested for those... My language is kinda...problematic. My GP tutor told me that my expressions are not suitable for academic essay use. I suppose this is the culmination of too much satire reading, too much Mark Haddon's Christopher Boone, too much Cormac McCarthy's prose and too much trying to differentiate myself from others. Funny, I really think there's no need to differentiate myself from others. I don't need to stand out just to make people notice me.

"A is lecturing in the auditorium.
A is lecturing in LT3. "
Somehow I was amused by the idea that it isn't mutually exclusive at all. It is possible if there are alternate universe. What a childish mindset during pre-U maths lecture. Bubble bubble bubble. I'm living in my own world, amused by weird things. I don't mind sharing my bubble with others, but I'm just not used to it. And you know what happens when the bubble expands? It'll burst eventually. I grew up being alone most of the time, I keep things to myself and I try to rely on myself.

Having someone to rely on is...special. A nice feeling.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Inertia

How willing are you to change yourself for someone?

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

To err,

to fault,
to make a mistake,
they all leave behind indellible stains.

over and over and over,
they can't be washed away.

and I really thought I was okay, just fine,
but someone please teach me how to not feel like this anymore.

***
Dreams,
reflect what I really really want badly deep inside.

Nightmares,
reveal what I'm really afraid of.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

breakdown;

The little demons in me
come out and play sometimes,

and when they're done, they go back
hidden and concealed.

Oh,
we all got our own demons to control and exorcise.

Monday, February 07, 2011

i say i'm okay

I lost my horizon.
Nothing is clear,
nothing is clear,
oh nothing is clear.

It is so cloudy and misty and dark and black.
I can't see a shit, maybe I'M DRUNK. That's why. Maybe. No, I'm sober, never been so sober before.
I haven't visited this place for quite some time already, it just looks all the same - bleak. It doesn't change at all, don't it?

I have no clue when I'll get to leave this place. I'm just being unreasonable with myself, but actually I'm clueless too. As if something mysterious hit me at the back of my head and I can't remember at all, when why where what. When did it start why am I like that. I'm not being myself...

I've been all around, but I don't believe. I hope you're asking for forgiveness from the heavens above for all the damage you did. If I had seen through anything at all, I hope that you will learn how to...

Saturday, February 05, 2011

Black Swan, White Swan,

oh , whatever.
Tall and slim and slender, whatever, who cares. But I like petite and short. And I guess that's the only thing that matters.


A very important lesson today is that I shouldn't play stupid childish pranks anymore. No matter how good my acting is.

Because...