deconstruction;

I actually wanted to write all this down on a book, but I don't have the book with me right now. So I guess I'll just make do with this blank space which I'm sure only a few people read. The problem with this blank space is that everytime I click on it to type, I lose my train of thought and most of the stuff that I initially wanted to say went poof. Gone.

I'll try my best...

I hate to be alone. When I'm alone, my mind starts to wander. And wondering too much is bad, just like what happened to Alice in the Wonderland. You find out scary stuff that you don't really wanna know. It is just that right now, I guess I'm experiencing what people call an 'identity crisis'. Weird, I have never really confronted this problem since the day I gain consciousness of 'I am a person living in this huge world'. And while typing this, I realised my thoughts are very disjointed and disorganised. So, to hell with grammar and spelling and punctuations, I don't really care about them now. I'm just typing away.

Am I always like that? I get tired so easily nowadays. When I leave school, I always get the feeling that I left something behind. Something that was part of me. Like as if every single day I go to school, a little part of me is dying inside and it is not going to be regenerated or grow back. It just dies away.

And another problem I have identified is that I don't answer the question. People ask me a question and I reply them with something totally unrelated. Am I beating around the bush or am I just avoiding the question/problem? My GP tutor told me that I am not answering the question (essay question to be specific), even my cousin tells me that my reply was totally not answering the question. Have I always been like that? If GP is the tenet of organised and logical thinking, then I'm sure I will fail GP.

I think I could be borderline autistic and insane. I might need to get tested for those... My language is kinda...problematic. My GP tutor told me that my expressions are not suitable for academic essay use. I suppose this is the culmination of too much satire reading, too much Mark Haddon's Christopher Boone, too much Cormac McCarthy's prose and too much trying to differentiate myself from others. Funny, I really think there's no need to differentiate myself from others. I don't need to stand out just to make people notice me.

"A is lecturing in the auditorium.
A is lecturing in LT3. "
Somehow I was amused by the idea that it isn't mutually exclusive at all. It is possible if there are alternate universe. What a childish mindset during pre-U maths lecture. Bubble bubble bubble. I'm living in my own world, amused by weird things. I don't mind sharing my bubble with others, but I'm just not used to it. And you know what happens when the bubble expands? It'll burst eventually. I grew up being alone most of the time, I keep things to myself and I try to rely on myself.

Having someone to rely on is...special. A nice feeling.