next year

I don't know where I
Am going to rest my head tonight.
So I won't promise that I'll speak
To you today,
But if I ever find
Another place, a better time
For that moment,
I was never what I am.

Take to me to where you are,
What you've become,
And what you will do
When I am gone.
I won't forget,
I won't forget.


Maybe someday,
You'll be somewhere
Talking to me
As if you knew me,
Saying, I'll be home for next year, darling.
I'll be home for next year.

Maybe someday,
You'll be somewhere
Talking to me
As if you knew me,
Saying, I'll be home for next year, darling.
I'll be home for next year.
And maybe sometime,
In a long time,
You'll remember
What I had said there.
I said, I'll be home for next year, darling,
I'll be home for next year.

***

I really wish what has unfolded wouldn't have happened. I feel so gutted and no matter how hard I try, I still can't believe it. I really wish I could go back time and reverse whatever damage I've done. 

I don't know if this is the best resolution for both of us, but I can only hope. Sometimes I have a strong urge to collapse and cry my heart out, but you're not coming back. 

I don't want to move on without you, I can't move on without you. The past two years have been amazing, I can't imagine going into a new year without you. 

I miss you so much.

I wish you could come back.
I wish I didn't commit all those foolish mistakes.

vultures

難道我是個拾荒者嗎。。。？

 
 

don't fear.

I've always been obsessed with happy songs that have morbid lyrics. Lyrically, this song is one of the darkest I've ever written. It's about being obsessed with someone to the point where you're hurting yourself. A lot of it is written almost like a suicide note meant to be found by the one you love. It's completely crazy and extreme, but it's also comforting to say out loud the things you’re thinking sometimes.

-Vic Fuentes

emo season #1

sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh.

No matter how much comfort food I try to stuff myself with, I can't fight this feeling anymore ~~






Amazing songs from the past :(

facepalm moments make me want to choke myself

Random conversation between a doctor and an attached observer/job shadower in a hospital lift that I chanced upon.

'So, what JC are you from?'
'JC X.'
'Oh, where is it...?'
'Erm.. Somewhere in YYY.'
'Oh... then your secondary school...?'
' ZZZ secondary school.'
'I see....'
And an awkward moment in the lift ensued.

I could see the size of the observer shrinking at the corner of my eye as he stared at his feet, wondering what to say to diffuse this situation. 

***
Really?

Archon Toilet

“Our battered suitcases were piled on the sidewalk again; we had longer ways to go. But no matter, the road is life.” - Jack Kerouac.

***

***
And so, another chapter is about to begin when I haven't closed the previous one. I am apprehensive and anxious.
I do not know what is going to happen come August, but I am only hoping for the best.

I have unfortunately lost the motivation to blog already. Ideas sprung up now and then, but by the time I log into blogger I lost steam and blanked out. Numerous times. It is strange...

A conversation recently with a retired man made me realised a few things about myself.
I know I am not cut it for the business/corporate world, no matter how hard I try. Yeah, that's where the money is. But I am not one to socialise and make friends. Hence, the difficulty to build a wide and strong network. Oh dear. I wonder what happened in my developmental process, I have this tendency to be alone. I am wildly averse to meeting new people. It is a mindset that I have to adjust. Still trying to, am going to, have to do, must do.

Strangely, I like who I am right now (I'm a geek!), I like where I'm at, even though I am facing the crossroads of life. Whatever decision I make is going to shape me, my thinking, my career, my future. It scares me. I wonder whether allowing 18/19 year olds to decide their career at such an age is a correct decision. Yet, we all have to face it. I am not an exception.

I have taken my ISAT. Submitted my applications. Awaiting for a confirmation for Personal Quality Assessment and maybe an interview. ETA October? I don't know. I only know this is the last time I am going to try. I can't wait to close this particular side-story.

***
OSL RO16.
I vaguely remember it was about the time I usually knock off from work. Fuck, I am not going to make it... Luckily there is a twitchtv app on my iOS device hehee . So I tapped out of Outram Park Station, instantly sat on the stairs and whipped out my iPhone. OMG, LEFT WITH 20% BATT, LETS HOPE 3G IS FAST ENOUGH. Jangbi vs Flash. I had recently found out about the beauty and art called SC:BW. I was staring at my phone for a good 20 minutes, listening to korean commentators screaming away passionately while I didn't understand a single syllable they spoke. Those goons were sieging at the bunker again... the game went smoothly into mid-game. Sadly a mistake by Flash ended the game. My heart was rooting for Flash :(

seriously, fuck this shit.

have i not been a person worthy of helping others the way i want to?

growing up

untittled

It's gotten late and now I want to be alone
All of our friends were here, they all have gone home
And here I sit on the front porch
Watching the drunks stumble forth into the night
"You gave me a heart attack, I did not see you there
I thought you had disappeared so early away from here"
And this is the chance I never got to make a move
But we just talk about the people we've met in the last five years
And will we remember them in ten more?
I let you bum a smoke, you quit this winter past
I've tried twice before, but like this, it just will not last

nostalgia epiphany euphoria

of course this isn't about pondering over unconditional love.

fairy tales

i feel kinda sick now and immensely pressured. I lack confidence, but after trying once and failing, what is there for me to lose now?

well, probably everything again because of all the hope and fear that comes along with dreams...

come on...
i wanna wake up from this dream and start on another one.

spent

so lethargic, tired, exhausted, fatigued, weary, burnt out... the list goes on.

it is so hard to convince myself that i have to dream a new dream because the current dream is simply unachievable... should a dream be achievable at all? whatever happened to drawing sandcastles in the air because they are the blueprints for the future? maybe i'm just searching frantically for a silver lining. and i dont like it, i dont want to accept it.

everytime my heart quietens down, the 'dream' comes back to haunt me. i tried, but i failed. no matter how hard i try to convince myself, or to deceive myself, i always end up back to square one. like a relapse... it really hurts me when i have to tell myself, i am just not cut out for it. maybe not this lifetime.

and the alternate path? yeah, maybe it is better for me. maybe it isn't better for me. the outcome is unclear. like bashing through the forest that has no end..

there was sunlight, but the clouds came and the sky turned dark.
no sunlight, no sunlight anymore.
it disappeared in the same speed as the idealistic things i believed.
the optimist inside of me died.

如煙

有沒有那麼一滴眼淚 能洗掉後悔
化成大雨降落在 回不去的街
再給我一次機會 將故事改寫

有沒有那麼一個明天 重頭活一遍
讓我再次感受曾 揮霍的昨天

everything ends.

goodbye.

resigned.

i wish i have good news to share with people,
but nope.

slump.

weights down,
so that you could move forwards,
so that you could move forwards.

unapologetic empathy

its so late already, but i find it hard to sleep... so about time to jot these annoying thoughts down.

maybe going to death cab's concert alone is a good idea. no one really listens to the same kind of music i listen to. someone said 'you can't really classify music into genres' which i found to be pretty valid. in the end, people innovate and things start to overlap and the distinction starts to blur and we all try too hard to label and classify everything. as long as i enjoy their music, it really doesnt matter whether i'm alone or not. at least i am going to be in the company of strangers who enjoy their music as much as i do to the extent that they are willing to splurge their money. and probably death cab music is the kind of distraction i need from whatever sort of results i'm getting back this coming friday.

i wish things in my life would get clear so everything could be more certain. start giving replies, start giving me signs and hints please... at the very least, i could be realistic to where i stand and what i am going to achieve. but that would be me making a stupid and empty wish because i am depriving myself of little pleasant surprises that might spring right at me when i am not expecting them.or the little tragedies that suck the life out of your soul.

it will always be the same things that are bothering me, to the extent that i can't be bothered to write them down anymore.

i guess the best thing i could do is to not be a wet blanket to other people's celebration and fuck off... and quarantine myself away from them. i dont want sympathy nor pity. and of course, some peace and quiet so i could think. think of what i do not know. but things happen for a reason and that means there are causes for the happenings. whatever happens is the culmination of past actions and behaviour, no matter how resentful or sorry i become, they belong to the past, unalterable and untouchable.

que sera, sera.

obligations

I'm sure I could do away with some.

and the wind is picking up

Brown eyes will you wait for me to follow
I'm used to letting everybody down
I've seen your face in our shadow
Does it look as pretty in the light

Will you save me from myself
Will I save you from the rest
Oh, brown eyes
Save a little something for me too

london

“There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.”
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

What's my dream?