spent

so lethargic, tired, exhausted, fatigued, weary, burnt out... the list goes on.

it is so hard to convince myself that i have to dream a new dream because the current dream is simply unachievable... should a dream be achievable at all? whatever happened to drawing sandcastles in the air because they are the blueprints for the future? maybe i'm just searching frantically for a silver lining. and i dont like it, i dont want to accept it.

everytime my heart quietens down, the 'dream' comes back to haunt me. i tried, but i failed. no matter how hard i try to convince myself, or to deceive myself, i always end up back to square one. like a relapse... it really hurts me when i have to tell myself, i am just not cut out for it. maybe not this lifetime.

and the alternate path? yeah, maybe it is better for me. maybe it isn't better for me. the outcome is unclear. like bashing through the forest that has no end..

there was sunlight, but the clouds came and the sky turned dark.
no sunlight, no sunlight anymore.
it disappeared in the same speed as the idealistic things i believed.
the optimist inside of me died.