白日出沒的月球

***
It seems that lately I found out more about myself - I am such an inherently flawed person that I don't even comprehend myself sometimes. I find myself contradictory and repugnant.

Most of the time, I don't even know what I want. Maybe I used to know, but not anymore. I somehow hid it somewhere back in my mind that I can't even recall what it is anymore. I used to like computers alot but I was told there's no future in it. Therefore I didn't take computing as an A Level subject. I was so close into taking up computing. And now I'm stuck with subjects that I have no sustainable interest in.

My wants have already transformed into other people's wants. I no longer have my own mind. I can't have my own life until I fulfill certain expectations. That's just sad right?

I suppose I don't ever disappoint myself. In fact, the notion that I have disappointed certain people in my life surfaces immediately when I know I screwed up big time. Then it will lead to me being disappointed not because I disappoint myself, but because I have disappointed other people. Do I not put myself before others?

What a mess I've become.

***
'Scars have the strange power to remind us that our past is real.'
Cormac McCarthy, All The Pretty Horses.