Drowning Lessons.

and the wind is picking up

2012-01-25T01:57:00.003+08:00

Brown eyes will you wait for me to follow
I'm used to letting everybody down
I've seen your face in our shadow
Does it look as pretty in the light

Will you save me from myself
Will I save you from the rest
Oh, brown eyes
Save a little something for me too

london

2012-01-23T23:48:00.001+08:00

“There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.”
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

What's my dream?

Even if I don't

2012-01-16T21:19:00.000+08:00

supply blocked

2012-01-13T01:47:00.000+08:00

e-e-e-1-b-e-4-e-e-e-1-b-g-b-a-e-e-e-e-click
fuck.

***
The new year usually entails new beginnings, but I can't be any more lost at the start of a new year. This year, I have no resolution, no goals, nothing. I have no idea what I am going to accomplish this year, and I sincerely hope that I will manage to accomplish something, at the bare minimum.

Nothing is more frustrating and demoralising than watching people pursue their goals or at least doing something while you just sit and watch the airplanes fly by and time goes by and still rooted to the spot. I don't know why I lack the drive to move. For the past eighteen years, I have been living based on orders of others and rarely on my own desires. If I had listened to myself, I wouldn't have been in this position. To tell me to start listening to myself is difficult, I cannot simply transition out of this phase all of a sudden. Infrequent glimpses of listening to myself had showed me how enjoyable it would be, and I long for those moments again. For now, I just want to disappear into thin air and not think about the unthinkable future.

I need time, and I need patience. The idea of a supply block is fascinating. Supply block, means a halt in production due to a variety of reasons. They could be mismanagement, carelessness or insufficient planning. What results, is an agonising wait for production to resume and progress to be made. Time will be lost, and resources will be left idle. Right now, everything stops at the end of January. I can't wait for February to come and maybe things will start going my way... It hasn't been for a long time. The entire two years in junior college had been marred with many disappointments and regrets.

And now...

"I can see the humorous side of things and enjoy the fun when it comes; but look where I will, there seems to me always more sadness than joy in life."
Jerome K. Jerome

vulnerable to attack ؟

2011-12-30T14:13:00.000+08:00

my judgement signed its resignation

2011-12-29T10:48:00.000+08:00

so... yeah whatever. there are always things that i can't control and things that i can't change.

2011-12-20T23:46:00.001+08:00

motivations

2011-12-01T23:40:00.000+08:00

and you too :)

***
i think i am bipolar though...

燕窝

2011-11-29T00:16:00.001+08:00

to do:
write a new personal statement.

the end of yet another chapter.

2011-10-22T02:00:00.000+08:00

graduation day, where people were happily taking photos with 10000friends they have in junior college.

ultimately, i still regret the two years that i have spent in junior college. it wasn't the best time i had. or rather i didn't make it so.

i met many people but made few friends, and by friends i define them as people that i am comfortable to be with
i was presented with many opportunities but barely took some
i knew i should have done things differently, and if i really could turn back time, i would have done things differently.
i realised the many facets of life,
the many different kinds of people that until now, i still struggle to accept their idiosyncrasies and whoever they are. it opened my eyes to such a broad spectrum that i cant find words to describe it properly.
i have become cynical, sceptical of people's intentions...
it is like i wasted my 2 years; while other people had the drive to work their socks off for something, i barely tried. and it pains me to say that i have made such a grave mistake of not even trying hard. i would have known myself better if i did.

sometimes i wonder if it is my problem or others. i try to blame myself so that i could change myself. but sometimes it doesnt work.
mr chan shared with me:

“君子怀德，小人怀土。君子怀刑，小人怀惠。”（《论语·里仁》

it totally makes sense to me now.

if JC is going to shape my future character, i would really hate myself.

i remember i told myself to enter jc with an open mind, and adopt a complete different attitude. mere platitudes. i'm just too familiar with this bullshit... in the end i'm just filled with regret and remorse and theres nothing that i could do about it.

hopelessly,
i still wish for a change, for the better.

i do not want to remain like this, but i would welcome a change of environment
this sounds critical, but multiple conversations with weidong have at least ingrained something in me.

i was whistling 'good life' by one republic,
what an irony...
what a pity...

life is hard

2011-10-14T21:56:00.000+08:00

你在煩惱什麼?

2011-10-06T00:29:00.000+08:00

i still very much need you, thank you for being there for me when i crash.

a lack of colour

2011-09-27T01:11:00.001+08:00

so what the fuck do i still want?
which direction am i heading to, what path am i treading on?

can someone just please give me a fucking answer?

scraping paper to document

2011-09-24T15:17:00.001+08:00

So Friday was a rather eventful day, to the extent that I immediately fell asleep when I got home without even changing out, but that's because I reached home at some ungodly hour.

I woke up with 8 unread messages from my lame brother as well as aching shoulders, probably due to sleeping 8 hours since a very long time. And then to school for paper 1, which was rather uneventful. Without disappointing anyone, I am once again going to fail Chemistry again and I do not want to talk about it here.

And there was pickup today, after such a long hiatus from ultimate. Rather refreshing and heartening to see that the people who you trained with for a year odd still carry the same love for the sport. I went home after that, showered and changed and went to orchard to look for gifts. My legs were aching so bad that I found it hard to walk...

And then to the airport to see Daryl off before he flies to London. I wish him good luck.

The highlight was apparently how to get home from the airport. Since me and sherwin were retards and stayed until there was no MRT service, we hitched a ride on cautious driver Lincoln's car. We got off at NEX, found a bus stop which has nightrider service, got on NR6. Unknowingly we got on at the wrong side and our 4 bucks bus ride got justified by a very long chat and a tour around Sengkang before we alighted at Orchard. There was still time so we each bought instant noodles from 7-11 before resuming the journey home. In the end we gave up and took separate cabs home. It was fun and interesting to find the way home without any normal bus service. I definitely do not mind doing it again.

The time I reached home: around 250am, the cab uncle was mysteriously chirpy and happy.

***

And I just want to go on a walk with my camera and look at this world through the lenses, from another perspective.

知足

2011-09-20T11:24:00.003+08:00

不因為去追求過多的幸福而感到不幸福

prelims prep

2011-09-11T18:57:00.000+08:00

Well, not really.

While most people were busy preparing for their prelims, crazy people like us were playing ultimate on a Saturday and suffer consequences like mild sunburn or crazy muscle aches. It was nevertheless a great experience, to play ultimate after a one month hiatus. The results didn't really matter, though I was surprised that we managed to achieve so much despite not playing for so long. I did not expect us to have gone so far, I only thought we would lose two straight games and go home afterwards haha.

It reminded me how awesome it was to play ultimate again, how fun my teammates were and how much I still feel for the game. All the troubles about prelims, grades and money were forgotten for the whole time. I'm just happy I took part in PvsP and went for MAF.

My second MAF as a current student of hwachong and the last MAF before becoming an alumnus. Incredible and unforgettable experience. First time I truly enjoyed dancing and figuring out all the college dances.

***

badass song by death cab :D

共舞

2011-09-08T16:14:00.002+08:00

things go hand in hand, don't they?

i have been musing.... but i lost my train of thought. strangely frustrating.

thankful

2011-09-04T22:34:00.002+08:00

'I must say its been a strange ride so far. But y'know i think it maybe human nature to forget how good you have it while the going is good. But if you're really lucky (and i mean really reeeeeeeeally fucking lucky), every now and then life nudges you and reminds you of where you came from. I know what it's like to be young and have dreams...I've had my heart broken and cursed the heavens when things didn't go my way...but i also know what it's like to be lucky enough to have those same hopes and dreams full filled. I wouldn't be the person I am today without the good and the bad and I am thankful for every second of it. Tomorrow is an anniversary...and life was nice enough to remind me of it.'
Frank Iero.

on the verge of insanity

2011-08-21T13:04:00.000+08:00

fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

awoke

2011-08-14T23:50:00.001+08:00

Cold day.
Peered through the side window and I saw nothing but white snow.
I was on a train, to somewhere, somewhere I didn't know. It seemed like Germany.
The train stopped. I alighted, and proceeded to explore the new area which was totally stranger to me.

Suddenly, I realised I had no baggage no luggage no personal belongings. And why am I alone in this faraway unknown land?

***

mellow

2011-08-10T14:01:00.000+08:00

I wish we could open our eyes
To see in all directions at the same time
Oh, what a beautiful view
If you were never aware of what was around you

And it is true what you say
That I live like a hermit in my own head
But when the sun shines again
I'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in

***
strangely brings me to tears.
what a weird song that sounds so beautiful, further accentuated by lyrics that make me even more confused, and...melancholic
i'm back at familiar territory every time my complys are broke.
it is difficult to see the forests through the trees.
things are harder than they sound.
if only i could realise the beauty of life by changing perspectives.
slowly slowly
there's no time for that anymore
.
.
.
.
and it stops.

magical

2011-08-06T22:15:00.001+08:00

sleepy

2011-08-04T21:05:00.001+08:00

己所不欲，勿施于人

神遊

2011-07-30T11:38:00.003+08:00

disjointed thoughts

2011-07-24T01:29:00.000+08:00

To take the leap or not?

Criamos nosso próprio mundo.
Nós contra eles.

“My dreams are a cruel joke. They taunt me. Even in my dreams, I’m an idiot who knows he’s about to wake up to reality. If I could only avoid sleep. But I can’t. I try to tell myself what to dream. I try to dream that I am flying. Something free. It never works…”

open your eyes.

***
I know I'm supposed to go back to sleep :/

trapped in a fucking shit hole

2011-07-20T20:53:00.000+08:00

and I can't seem to find my way out of it.

How many more times before I finally learn?

If karmic points can be used, I hope I have accumulated enough for five miracles to happen.

fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK FUCK FUCK.

implodes with consistency

2011-07-19T23:55:00.003+08:00

setting two plates on the table for two, with two sets of cutlery
cooking a hearty breakfast for two
making the bed for two
waiting for you before locking the door as we start our days
brewing coffee while awaiting for your return
saying goodnight aloud before switching off the lights

He has been practising the life of two with himself. He is waiting for something, for someone to come and relieve him of this tiresome, cumbersome way of living. Every day is lacking. Is he lacking something? I wonder how many individuals are out there, existing in the same situation as me.

Loneliness follows him around like a shadow, as if it is his own heel. Unable to shake it off, but he does not want to embrace it. Morbidly frustrating. Somehow indifferent to all the couples he sees, yet he continues to practise living together with himself. Why am I waiting at all?

come back come back but you're not coming back anymore
don't go don't go but you're not coming back anymore
and you left a void of meaning in my life in my heart
and i'm just bleeding and dying, bit by bit
you're already gone.
i'm already broken
already know someone else is there in my place
already accepted the fact that you're with someone else
already carrying on living with myself
i still haven't moved on.

The scars can be hidden by clothing, but nothing can ever wash them away. They are ugly reminders that the past is real. I'm keeping those scars.

$#$!@!#&^^!#%E!#
the rabbit asks the toad why he is so miserable, being jealous of its cousin, the frog.
the toad couldn't answer why. maybe because he is ugly and disgusting due to the warts on his skin. maybe because the frog doesn't seem to care at all but always get mentioned in some fairytale, labelled as the frog prince and inevitably turning into prince charmingly handsome. but the toad cares, but no one cares about the toad. then again, who really cares about your opinions if you're ugly?

inadequate

2011-07-14T05:20:00.001+08:00

living without a will.

in a mess

2011-07-11T23:28:00.003+08:00

in tatters
these wounds and cuts and bruises and gashes bleed nonstop
falling through the doors of the emergency room
will someone help me with these wounds?

I don't know how much more I can lose,
and I'm dying and dying and dying.

some sort of coupling

2011-07-10T23:26:00.003+08:00

that I can't run away from,
that makes me don't want to run away from,
and I don't intend to.

Oh these times are hard,

2011-07-07T23:52:00.001+08:00

they're making us crazy,
don't give up on me ~

deadweight;

2011-07-03T22:27:00.001+08:00

does insecurity stem from trust issues
or
trust issues stem from insecurity?

after two years I still can't believe the grudge still exists.
come on. live and let live.

the inexplicable feeling when you just feel someone else is not doing enough to fix that state of chaos. like a Julia set looping around and around, setting up the boundaries which trap yourself in it.

waiting for things to change.

the glorious excess

2011-07-03T01:59:00.000+08:00

white;

2011-07-01T01:42:00.002+08:00

When your chips are down, and your drinks are all gone
I'll still be here, wishing and waiting for you to come on
Kaleidoscope eyes, sparkle at the world
My emerald city, downtown girl
In the sickness of you, I'm just a white blood cell
Fighting like hell for you.
-Kaleidoscope Eyes, Panic! at the Disco.

avoid;

2011-06-29T17:24:00.000+08:00

He knew it was coming.
He knew it was comng before he knew it as if something had told him about it.
He knew it was coming all along.

It was an eventuality which happened eventually.

He saw the light, engulfing all the darkness.
He heard his voice speaking to him.
He had vision of a near distant future.
But he didn't listen to himself, he didn't trust his illusion either.

He saw the light fading out,
he reached out for it,
and with the familiarity of achieving nothing,
he grabbed nothing.
again.

***
blahblahblah...

understand;

2011-06-27T14:37:00.002+08:00

so why bother?

i leave myself confused and often pondering... which is totally pointless.

let it be let it be. the knot might untie by itself.

putting on a false front :)

7. We're gonna be fine

2011-06-18T04:53:00.001+08:00

there's no passenger, there's no driver, it's all uncharted.

:(

2011-06-14T23:42:00.002+08:00

If I sit back and do nothing, nothing will ever happen in my life.
- Beck.

brainstorming

2011-06-13T12:37:00.000+08:00

...
...
...

ahhh so many things are going to happen over the course of this two weeks. I wonder why I haven't signed up for my UKCAT. And I'm pretty doubtful whether I still want to do dentistry or not... Heck yes of course I want to, but am I eligible for it? That is the perennial question I always ask myself. I have yet to do attachments and personal statement and my grades are a mess... And I have no clue when applications for Australia starts, I guess it is about a good time to ask my friend who is going Imperial to do medicine or prof.kar.

SIGH.

And then there's training later at 3, and then on wed and then on friday too. At this rate, fatigue will never go away and always be so burnt out. I am in no mood to write in proper prose and even if I wanted to, I suspect my ability to do so and this spells disaster for my GP especially when expectations are so high damn it.

This reminds me of: time to restart my skydrive account, might as well let ff4 remember the password for me but that depends whether I can remember the password first or not... crap...
and then form a b and c for testimonial which should be fairly empty due to my lackadaisical attitude for a good year and a half...
and then issues and ideas and the non-fiction book that I'm supposed to read...
and all the revision which I should have completed but yet not started at all...

I hate deadlines, whether self-imposed or imposed by others zzz...

Father's Day is coming up soon too, time to prepare a menu for my family lol!
***

'My parents danced together, her head on his chest. Both had their eyes closed. They seemed so perfectly content. If you can find someone like that, someone who you can hold and close your eyes to the world with, then you're lucky. Even if it lasts for a minute or a day.'
The Name of the Wind, Patrick Rothfuss.

today is a day that i dont want to remember;

2011-06-09T16:47:00.003+08:00

for various reasons.

not much of a happy day... the clock is ticking.

T.D.D.U.A

2011-06-03T23:54:00.001+08:00

special day special day.

thank you.

46

2011-06-02T22:06:00.002+08:00

;)

incoherent

2011-06-01T22:38:00.001+08:00

i bleed it out

cuts on the knees and elbow

or the lack thereof.

in a funk.

Of 67 and daydreams,

2011-05-18T21:59:00.001+08:00

Yes, I have made my choice.

resume

2011-05-15T10:43:00.000+08:00

waiting for a favourable reply
waiting for a favourable reply
waiting for a favourable reply

things have changed/are going change....for the better I hope :/

blackout

2011-05-12T21:06:00.000+08:00

say goodbye to
no, don't say goodbye

***
A new pair of complys to block out all the noise please.

a pair of sodagreen tickets and
a pair of linkin park tickets and
a pair of coldplay tickets please.

marginal propensity to share

2011-05-10T20:49:00.003+08:00

***
Perceptive, understanding, and bright, sevens enjoy hard work and challenges. They are often serious, scholarly, and interested in all things mysterious. Originality and imagination are more important than money and material possessions. Sevens can also be pessimistic, sarcastic, and insecure.

Represents completion and achievement to the fullest degree (as it is the complete number, three, expressed three times). Nines dedicate themselves to service, often as teachers, scientists, and humanitarians. Strongly determined, they work tirelessly and are an inspiration to others. However, they can also be arrogant and conceited when things don't go their way.

hey hey you you

2011-05-09T22:48:00.000+08:00

avril lavigne hungover.

happythankyoumoreplease

2011-05-04T01:02:00.001+08:00

be thankful
for the past
for the present
for the possibility of a future

ugly or
beautiful
painful or
joyful

they are still worth remembering

each different memory
holds a different significance
has a different story behind it
and a different ending
and a different lesson to learn

indelible
hard to erase
seared into the back of the mind
conceal it
live with it
and soldier on

mistakes strewn all over
landmines not to be stepped on
there's no next time

on the other side of the veil lies
uncertainty
insecurity

indecisiveness will get you nowhere
immortality doesn't mean not dying
one chance one choice one opportunity

grab it.
***
school is an utter bore, i miss something(hint: c-) very badly, backlog is piling up, stress is mounting, motivation ran out of steam, anxiety is trickling down, the candle is burning on both ends, fatigue is setting in, faith is wavering, i need a massage, networks are getting complicated, people are being difficult, relationships are distancing, the noise in my head is getting louder, the clock is still ticking, time is slowly dripping away, my wrist is broken, i need sleep i need rest, i was never in control, life is just a mess.

i need someone to

Circular motion

2011-04-30T00:53:00.002+08:00

is getting me nowhere.

My legs gave out.
My heart caved in.

So fucking tired.

蟬想

2011-04-25T21:16:00.002+08:00

Madama Butterfly.

我好像一只風箏，有人拉著扯著放著，才能飛得高，飛得遠。線斷了，我就飛不起來了，不知道會飄到哪裡，也不知道想不想要有人把我撿起來。
＊＊＊

我討厭我的倔強
我討厭我的天真
我討厭我的固執
我討厭我的執著
我討厭我的信念
我討厭我的愚蠢
我討厭我的期望
我討厭我的孩子氣

我想要變成一只蝴蝶，蝴蝶代表蛻變。
現在生活混亂，茫然，不知所措。
我想要變成一只風箏，飛走了再也回不來。
無奈，就放棄吧。

尋找，尋找，尋找，
找到了嗎？
尋找方向，頻率，鼓勵，未來？

我喜歡現在的我
我懷念曾經的我
我討厭失望的我

我已無能為力了。

E(X) and Var(X)

2011-04-19T20:32:00.000+08:00

My favourite scene from (500)

and

H is for ...

Fuck you.

白日出沒的月球

2011-04-14T23:00:00.002+08:00

***
It seems that lately I found out more about myself - I am such an inherently flawed person that I don't even comprehend myself sometimes. I find myself contradictory and repugnant.

Most of the time, I don't even know what I want. Maybe I used to know, but not anymore. I somehow hid it somewhere back in my mind that I can't even recall what it is anymore. I used to like computers alot but I was told there's no future in it. Therefore I didn't take computing as an A Level subject. I was so close into taking up computing. And now I'm stuck with subjects that I have no sustainable interest in.

My wants have already transformed into other people's wants. I no longer have my own mind. I can't have my own life until I fulfill certain expectations. That's just sad right?

I suppose I don't ever disappoint myself. In fact, the notion that I have disappointed certain people in my life surfaces immediately when I know I screwed up big time. Then it will lead to me being disappointed not because I disappoint myself, but because I have disappointed other people. Do I not put myself before others?

What a mess I've become.

***
'Scars have the strange power to remind us that our past is real.'
Cormac McCarthy, All The Pretty Horses.

one last bit of sanity

2011-04-09T18:27:00.006+08:00

***
'I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?'
- Ernest Hemingway.

Let the chips fall where they may be.

***
I'm in a self destructive mood lately.
and I'm feeling so empty.

Are you still there?

2011-04-08T00:51:00.000+08:00

silly;

2011-04-06T23:42:00.000+08:00

Budget deficit but happiness index maxed out.

Well, that works for me.

Before I pull the trigger,

2011-04-05T19:58:00.001+08:00

I have always wanted to experience the feeling of getting hit by a car. Sometimes I feel like running into an incoming car and see what happens afterwards.

I keep wondering and wondering, but how much more wondering will it ever become real?

I won't say I didn't see this coming and I did know it was gonna happen anyway.

I am so disappointed with myself, I thought it would never ever happen again.
Definitely not in the right state of mind to write my TAG application form.
***
'Such a man is like a dreamer who wakes from a dream of grief to a greater sorrow yet. All that he loves is now become a torment to him. The pin has been pulled from the axis of the universe. Whatever one takes one's eye from threatens to flee away. Such a man is lost to us. He moves and speaks. But he is himself less than the merest shadow among all that he beholds. There is no picture of him possible. The smallest mark upon the page exaggerates his presence.'

firework

2011-04-03T14:44:00.002+08:00

this guy is gonna save my life lol.

/rant

2011-03-31T19:59:00.000+08:00

So I thought joining a (recreational) sports CCA was all about fun and the trainings and the bonding and the teammates and friends. Who knew it would involve shitheads playing around with politics? Come on, sports isn't even close to the kind of politics one would expect from office politics or crap like that.

Oh oh, maybe it is because of all the inflated egos of the people in it, or the lack of it. People who want things to go their own way or people staying afk throughout or people stuck in between and have no idea on what the fuck to do. No idea how to carry on like this.

On the right corner, we have a strong-willed strong headed stubborn contender.
On the left corner, we have another strong-willed strong headed stubborn contender.
Then you have a new challenger who is strongly opinonated outspoken blahblahblah coming in.
What the fuck are they contending for anyway?
Seriously what is the fucking point?

A lesson I took away since secondary school was that, when there are any problems, it is better to confront the problem ASAP instead of avoiding it. If not it'll grow bad like a fucking tumour and then you'll rot we all are gonna rot. But you have people... who do not want to tell do not want to inform rather just keep quiet and complain to other people then expect the other people to go tell the intended target. Beating around the bush much? Might as well catch a red herring and set up a strawman and let them all slide down the fucking slippery slope.

Communication communication dissemination dissemination.
I guess everyone is too selfish everyone is too myopic everyone is too fucked up to realise that EVERYONE HAS A PROBLEM, INCLUDING THEMSELVES.

blahblahblah gossip gossip talk bad of others talk bad of others not yourself
insert more here
and more
and more
and even more
you dont even realise a problem with yourself?
How can you be correct all the time?

If you seriously want to change others, change yourself first. I wouldn't even take you seriously if you don't do that. Don't expect yourself to be a slave driver and i'll be your minion listening to you blindly.

No, never gonna happen.
tralalala lalalalala so fucking hard to keep calm in these times.
I wonder why the heck I give a flying fuck.
And yeah, take this with a pinch of salt treat this as a joke because tomorrow is the 1st of April.

idiosyncrasy

2011-03-30T00:13:00.002+08:00

i hope i'll be able to stand most of them.

pause;

2011-03-27T22:56:00.000+08:00

stop pushing it
stop pushing it
stop pushing it
stop pushing it
stop pushing it
stop pushing it
stop pushing it

I will come for you.

2011-03-25T13:09:00.000+08:00

as usual,

2011-03-22T01:30:00.000+08:00

MUST STAY AWAKE
MUST STAY AWAKE
hmm,
I ought to go shower then.

I hate it when I don't learn from the past and keep repeating this shit.
Damn last minute work.

跳動的世界裡找你的頻率;

2011-03-20T15:32:00.002+08:00

One of the few songs that give me goosebumps every time I listen to them:

Sound quality isn't awesome, meh.

***
Time is passing too fast, seriously.

ANS: THE CALLING?

2011-03-17T22:56:00.001+08:00

Why do I want to be a dentist so much?

2011-03-16T22:57:00.000+08:00

Wise words to live by, stay true.

***
Our eyes connected, in that brief and sudden moment.

It wasn't any particular soul searching moment. It wasn't any special moment. Just the moment that my eyes saw something foreign, someone new.

The next moment, my eyes went in search for the other things that interest me.

It just dawned on me, that I could be any pedestrian in your life but I'm thankful I am not.

Shadow

2011-03-08T01:17:00.003+08:00

Living in the shadow of someone else's dream

deconstruction;

2011-02-28T19:32:00.000+08:00

I actually wanted to write all this down on a book, but I don't have the book with me right now. So I guess I'll just make do with this blank space which I'm sure only a few people read. The problem with this blank space is that everytime I click on it to type, I lose my train of thought and most of the stuff that I initially wanted to say went poof. Gone.

I'll try my best...

I hate to be alone. When I'm alone, my mind starts to wander. And wondering too much is bad, just like what happened to Alice in the Wonderland. You find out scary stuff that you don't really wanna know. It is just that right now, I guess I'm experiencing what people call an 'identity crisis'. Weird, I have never really confronted this problem since the day I gain consciousness of 'I am a person living in this huge world'. And while typing this, I realised my thoughts are very disjointed and disorganised. So, to hell with grammar and spelling and punctuations, I don't really care about them now. I'm just typing away.

Am I always like that? I get tired so easily nowadays. When I leave school, I always get the feeling that I left something behind. Something that was part of me. Like as if every single day I go to school, a little part of me is dying inside and it is not going to be regenerated or grow back. It just dies away.

And another problem I have identified is that I don't answer the question. People ask me a question and I reply them with something totally unrelated. Am I beating around the bush or am I just avoiding the question/problem? My GP tutor told me that I am not answering the question (essay question to be specific), even my cousin tells me that my reply was totally not answering the question. Have I always been like that? If GP is the tenet of organised and logical thinking, then I'm sure I will fail GP.

I think I could be borderline autistic and insane. I might need to get tested for those... My language is kinda...problematic. My GP tutor told me that my expressions are not suitable for academic essay use. I suppose this is the culmination of too much satire reading, too much Mark Haddon's Christopher Boone, too much Cormac McCarthy's prose and too much trying to differentiate myself from others. Funny, I really think there's no need to differentiate myself from others. I don't need to stand out just to make people notice me.

"A is lecturing in the auditorium.
A is lecturing in LT3. "
Somehow I was amused by the idea that it isn't mutually exclusive at all. It is possible if there are alternate universe. What a childish mindset during pre-U maths lecture. Bubble bubble bubble. I'm living in my own world, amused by weird things. I don't mind sharing my bubble with others, but I'm just not used to it. And you know what happens when the bubble expands? It'll burst eventually. I grew up being alone most of the time, I keep things to myself and I try to rely on myself.

Having someone to rely on is...special. A nice feeling.

Inertia

2011-02-27T11:55:00.001+08:00

How willing are you to change yourself for someone?

To err,

2011-02-22T20:37:00.000+08:00

to fault,
to make a mistake,
they all leave behind indellible stains.

over and over and over,
they can't be washed away.

and I really thought I was okay, just fine,
but someone please teach me how to not feel like this anymore.

***
Dreams,
reflect what I really really want badly deep inside.

Nightmares,
reveal what I'm really afraid of.

breakdown;

2011-02-17T20:59:00.001+08:00

The little demons in me
come out and play sometimes,

and when they're done, they go back
hidden and concealed.

Oh,
we all got our own demons to control and exorcise.

i say i'm okay

2011-02-07T21:28:00.000+08:00

I lost my horizon.
Nothing is clear,
nothing is clear,
oh nothing is clear.

It is so cloudy and misty and dark and black.
I can't see a shit, maybe I'M DRUNK. That's why. Maybe. No, I'm sober, never been so sober before.
I haven't visited this place for quite some time already, it just looks all the same - bleak. It doesn't change at all, don't it?

I have no clue when I'll get to leave this place. I'm just being unreasonable with myself, but actually I'm clueless too. As if something mysterious hit me at the back of my head and I can't remember at all, when why where what. When did it start why am I like that. I'm not being myself...

I've been all around, but I don't believe. I hope you're asking for forgiveness from the heavens above for all the damage you did. If I had seen through anything at all, I hope that you will learn how to...

Black Swan, White Swan,

2011-02-05T21:13:00.000+08:00

oh , whatever.
Tall and slim and slender, whatever, who cares. But I like petite and short. And I guess that's the only thing that matters.

A very important lesson today is that I shouldn't play stupid childish pranks anymore. No matter how good my acting is.

Because...

Quiet;

2011-01-31T00:47:00.001+08:00

I don't expect anything from you.

;D

2011-01-24T11:33:00.000+08:00

My favourite activity is...

***

put a little spin on that swing

2011-01-20T17:14:00.001+08:00

Do you remember back when we met
you told me this gets harder
Well it did
Been holding on forever

If you want I'll keep on crying. (Are you there at all?)
Did you get what you deserve? (Do you care at all?)
Is this what you always want me for? (Are you there at all?)

Way down.
***
I'm not particularly angry maybe just a little pissed and disappointed and frustrated and tired and it particularly induced some anger in me which is so rampant and raw and this kind of feeling is definitely no good. I'm trying damn hard to resist this feeling and sometimes the negativity triumphs the hopeless positivity and resistance becomes wasted energy and time and effort and brainpower and in the end it turns into something so abstract that I can't grasp it and throw it away but it comes to visit me every once in a while. But I guess sometimes you just have to let your inner demons out for awhile and hopefully they will go away or become less vicious if not stuff will get pretty ugly as I am trying damn hard to keep my rational thought in check and sometimes I think I am going to lose it and things will really get ugly but that's just how life works. It would be better if there's a listener out there but it is not much of a help since the people who really matter are not there and there will be a thousand people out there misunderstanding you, not giving a fuck out of you and the bottom line is, we don't have to talk if you're being fucking reticent.

thankyouforthevenom.

You don't need a babelfish to understand this.

2011-01-18T22:53:00.001+08:00

Even the simplest of things can be so enjoyable.

happy happy happy!

Cyanide Sunrise

2011-01-14T23:49:00.001+08:00

mired in discouragia.

2011-01-13T00:06:00.003+08:00

If you can't, who else ever will?
I don't know, need to filter out all the fucking noise.

Hang on, and gather the scattered puzzle pieces
to piece the beautiful picture I want.
Thank you, my first buddy since the first day of secondary school.

2011-01-12T01:12:00.001+08:00

I think I'm falling sick.
Somehow I want to fall sick,
and hide under my blanket as if it could protect me for my whole life.

To 11/1/11,

2011-01-10T23:11:00.000+08:00

hold up your glasses,

Today wasn't a pretty bad day.
It was raining fucking heavy, but somehow I had the best shower since eons ago. Walking in the rain, albeit alone and feeling kinda empty, but it was a pretty good feeling. As if the rain is washing away all the fucking dust you accumulated since I don't know when and wash away your mistakes and wash away your burden. Strolling still even though I was drenched and pedestrians looking at me as if I'm crazy.

Maybe I am.

***
I don't do new year resolutions anymore. All the cheap talk and 'i-will's and stuff never came true, because I couldn't care less.
I guess, the only thing I want for every year, would be the same,
to be a better person to all the people who matter.

//bloody gum stop bleeding

2011-01-09T00:38:00.002+08:00

I'm done for.
What a fucking shit mess created.

I miss old My Chem, but it doesn't mean I don't like their recent stuff. They're all great, just that the old stuff seemed more raw, albeit all the long song titles. The fascinating thing that I like about My Chem is that somehow I could connect to whatever they're singing. Like some healthy way of releasing emotions, not lather the penknife with your own blood or smoke or something else gruesome.

I'm somehow forcing myself into a dilemma that only has one possible conclusion. And this isn't healthy at all.

***
On another note, this year is gonna be a good year.

COFFEE COFFEE!!!

2011-01-08T02:17:00.003+08:00

I know I want one!
Who cares if they stain my teeth?

***
It is so easy to give up.
I think I'm going to.

Today isn't a beautiful day//

2011-01-06T10:01:00.001+08:00

Is it?
I don't know about yesterday because I try to put stuff behind me and not look back too much lest I regret even more and it just makes living a chore.
I don't know about tomorrow because it will arrive eventually and hit me hard with the reality and I don't wanna think of how to spend tomorrow when I'm not even done with today for reasons unknown. Maybe I know why, but you don't.

***
I'm strangely reminded that I'm oddly attracted to the details. I have no idea how to explain this in words, but I appreciate the little intricate stuff that happens/exists. It gives me a glimmer of hope, it shines a shimmering ray of light into my life. And when they don't happen/appear/people overlook the details, it makes me tired and sick and frustrated. And you know what, I don't feel obligated to tell you about it at all.

And an observation. If only some emotions are contagious. I realised I... No, I'm not going to spell it out. Just gonna keep it to myself because it is abstract and amorphous and random and I am the only person in my life I understand the most and I'm sure that writing it down here wouldn't help matters. At all.

So long. I'm out.

SORROW, NOT YOUR USUAL CUP OF SADNESS.

2011-01-04T21:07:00.003+08:00

He saw very clearly how all his life led only to this moment and all after led nowhere at all. He felt something cold and soulless enter him like another being and he imagined that it smiled malignly and he had no reason to believe that it would ever leave. When she came out of the bathroom again she was dressed and he made her sit on the bed and he held her hands both of them and talked to her but she only shook her head and she turned away her tearstained face and told him that it was time to go and that she could not miss the train.

All The Pretty Horses,
Cormac McCarthy.

***
He thought he knew all about it but he didn't know anything at all and he didn't know it consumes people in the dark and leaves them empty and devoid of emotions.

2011-01-02T23:59:00.001+08:00

I have been deeply engaged in discussion with moving stars and aliens from far, far away planets which are lightyears away from the Earth this past few days. I have visited oracles, and the advice I've got was to not repeat the mistakes they did, so that I would not end up having a life like theirs, which was good as I do not desire their kind of lifestyle.

My sources have told me that this year can only get from busy to busier.

And I would be pissed off if the rumours of 2012 are true - not that the planet is gonna experience some apocalyptic molten lava erupting from the ground and whatnot, but instead getting destroyed by Vogons who are carrying out orders to clear the way for an intergalactic expressway.

2010-12-31T17:38:00.007+08:00

The storm had now definitely abated, and what thunder there was now grumbled over more distant hills, like a man saying "And another thing…" twenty minutes after admitting he's lost the argument.

Douglas Adams.

***

***

希望我們可以不管何時何地對自己、對周遭的人或對這個世界善良一點，新年快樂！
-http://www.sodagreen.com.tw/main/weekly/weekly150.php

wowowowowow. sodagreen + MJ.
Have a great year ahead folks.

2010-12-30T00:45:00.002+08:00

it is just something so magnificent and magical and not ephemeral.

***
It has been awhile since I blogged properly. It is a pity that I can't write in proper prose anymore. A literal stagnation, or even degeneration I fear. It is just one of the things that I regret as this year comes to an end very very soon. I had hoped that GP would improve my english , making my english slightly more sophisticated, not to the extent of egregious or pretentious but sufficiently fluent to make an argument cogent and worthy of calling it an academic essay.

But something I learnt this year is that we shouldn't look back in regret. I would rather look at the nice things which happened and appreciate, cherish them. Apart from the fact that I have turned abit more skeptical and cynical, which is a spot of bother. I hope it wouldn't turn into a cancer.

And another thing, I refuse to write down some stupid hopeful ten commandment like thingy called 'new year resolution'. Don't ask don't tell.

2010-12-24T00:11:00.002+08:00

I am more than willing to be your pillow anytime you want.

2010-12-22T00:24:00.002+08:00

Is everyone changing or I'm the only one refusing to change?

2010-12-21T02:21:00.003+08:00

You know you are in love
when you see the world in her eyes,
and her eyes everywhere in the world.

- David Levesque -

rain rain;

2010-12-17T23:59:00.000+08:00

10/10

thank you mr rain, you didn't dampen the atmosphere, you made today an extra special day.

wait for it...

2010-12-17T00:43:00.001+08:00

i'm sure that there will be a third time!
just wait for it...

and i'm sure that there will be many more times too!

2010-12-13T00:51:00.001+08:00

ahhhh
ahhhhh

you're just a call away from listening to me breaking down.

i don't care whether i'll see you again, but
it was nice knowing you.
being dramatic and making a big hoohah over it,
is just fake, like the movies.
make a quiet entrance, end it off wth a poof like Bilbo,
but please don't leave me guessing where you're off to.
maybe it was a mistake in the first place, but
i enjoyed repeating the same mistake over and over again.
sorry, i just hate to get my hopes high, and
watch it sink into the water and rest on the seabed in record timing.
sorry, this world is getting crowded and noisy,
i doubt my existence will have any significance, and
i need to fuck off for awhile.
if you don't find me alive one day,
just say you did.

***
to end off on a happier note,
sodagreen concert was just brilliantly awesome.
pure enjoyment for your ears with the funny talking parts beatifully arranged pieces and the ever-so-awesome voice of qingfeng. two encores were not enough though :)
to all those who missed it, you should try to catch their next show!
hope the wait wouldn't be too long.

xx

P is for....;

2010-12-09T00:46:00.001+08:00

essentially all painkillers are paracetamol.
if only painkillers could numb the pain from countless heartbreaks.
and mend the heart back to its original shape.
and prepare it for yet another impending heartbreak.
one by one, indellible stains of those tainted memories are left behind.
and they can't be erased but they are hidden from sight, but kept in the most inner chambers of the heart.
such a stupendous creation, congratulations my fairest lady.

***
the truth is now acceptable?
blind faith and false hopes. just when you start to have some hope in humanity, someone just comes along and splashes you with a bucket of cold water.
come on, motherfucker! shine some light or light yourself ablaze. save me from this black and hopeless feeling.

***
i hate to ask people whether they are okay or not,
half hearted 'yeah im alright' replies
are not particularly encouraging
those demons will still find you and
eat you up
thank you for trying to not burden me with your problems
hate me today, hate me tomorrow
i care that's why i asked
seriously, what can i do when you are not okay?!

***
ridiculous when you let your mind wander! look at all these crap.

take this with a double pinch of salt;

2010-12-05T19:39:00.001+08:00

If you don't care then don't fight for it.

I'm so sick of 'don't look back' because I'm a part of the
disgusting sickly rot that's causing the whole plague
obviously languishing in self pity and self mutilation
not the time for serendipity to appear magically out of nowhere
tell me i'm not okay tell me i'm having the wrong mindset
can you spare me from this misery
anything else other than apologies are insufficient
rip out my heart my lungs my eyes my ears
everybody's right when you don't even know what's happening.

***
Relax, look alive. The sun isn't gonna eat you up today.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XtWlsFSdNdI&feature=mfu_in_order&list=UL
how awesome is that! everyone singing together.

2010-12-03T23:00:00.001+08:00

**
I love fridays!

i cant wait i cant wait i cant wait.

2010-11-29T23:34:00.000+08:00

All that jazz
just sounds boring and pointless without you.

You know it.

2010-11-26T23:48:00.002+08:00

You can run away with me anytime you want.

what a special memory :)

2010-11-25T02:20:00.002+08:00

WE ARE THE KIDS FROM YESTERDAY...

***
summertime... just listen to it.