When I see people mull over something which they tried for yet they failed,


I ask myself: Do I even have a passion now, do I even believe in passion now?

At least, I know I'm doing what I like.

His head was threatening to explode against his own will. His mind was aching from the disappointment, his heart was filled with agony, angst and anger. Everything isn't fair, he told himself. He had worked hard to fit in, to find a common topic with these people, to connect with these humans. Whatever he tried, it certainly didn't worked out as planned.

He believed in treating others how he would like to be treated... Apparently not everybody reciprocates. He believed in equal and fair treatment. He believed in working your way towards the top. The idealist in him was utterly destroyed after this wretched day. What he saw were cocksucking, bootlicking and a dozen other ugly despicable acts which couldn't be aptly described as 'fucked up'; the intensity was still lacking.

There was something he was trying to find, something he was trying to hold on to. Like a stubborn 6 year old still sucking onto his pacifier, he can't move on, can't let go. Faith and hope is still there for me, he insisted. But what happens when your insistence don't pay off, all the faith becomes a piece of map leading you to nowhere in the dense and dark forest, all the hope turns into false hope, deceiving you for all these months?

Pfft, all the smart alecky people, all the things that they did.

Maybe escaping from reality would lessen the pain and numb his senses. He had seen enough of superficial friends who are two face bitches. He had put up enough of fake smiles and facades to last him for a lifetime. He wanted to run, run away from this sinister and shameful world. Maybe escaping would be a better option. He wouldn't want to see these people whom he had known for a few months only ever again.

Que sera, sera.

My desktop and wardrobe usually reflects my current state of life;


Messy.

The things I would do.

To relive the past memories.
To make myself a better person.
To work hard towards my goal.
To make sure my goal stays the same.
To forget and forgive.
To live in a fairytale world.

You would never know.

At the end of everything, there are many moments which I would love to forget.

Those times where we crapped at backstage with gheekian shaun fred and ngiap seng were priceless; those were the really fun part which made it enjoyable.

As for the moments that I want to forget, let's not talk about it.

I'm just thankful that it is over. But I do enjoy the theater experience. I wouldn't mind continuing even though I'm only involved at backstage. Being at backstage do have its own stress and pressure, but I do not want to stay in props anymore.

It is quite funny how a passion died out so fast, like fireworks, exciting and beautiful for a moment, in the next moment, it is nothing. I don't even think I had the passion in the first place. It is appalling to see how your impression of people change in a short two months. Maybe you just see the true colors after all the things that they do. Maybe it is just me, myself, being overly sensitive and judgmental. And I don't really like most of the people I worked with in the two months. It is just me, being a bitch over here.

I'm filled with so many things in my mind, yet I can barely write anything out of it.
What the fuck is happening to me?